I no longer fear death. A few years back, I might've said differently, but now... now I don't really even respect death much.
Four years ago, I was forced into an emergency heart transplant. I had severe valve blockage, and several blood clots forming at various points encasing the heart. This would have been the point in time where, had you asked me, I woulda told you I was scared of death.
But once you get your old organ ripped outta your chest cavity and a new one stuck in it's place... nothin' that scared you before that moment will scare you after it. Almost nothing scares me now. Nothing except dancing. Dancing scares me now. I never really danced much before I went through a heart transplant. But since then, I dance all the time.
They say those who receive the heart of a donor will, upon occasion, take on the characteristics of said donor. However, most of the recorded examples of this were based on the patient acclimating to the donor's history only after learning it from donor reports and doctor's postings. So okay, so now I dance. I didn't much dance before, now I dance like I was raised in a cabaret. The problem is, I never read anyting about the donor until about a year ago. Hell, I didn't even realize I was given a woman's heart. I signed a waiver stipulating that I have access to this information, but not be supplied with it unless I sought it out. Apaprently, a woman's heart is not the same size a man's and, in fact, a doctor can visually decipher a male heart from a female heart.
I have a female heart inside me.
Which isn't to say that I am writing now with some confusion in regards to my sexual preference or to suggest I'd like my outer self to match the heart keeping me alive. I write now only to suggest that if it's true that one takes on various attributes of the donors before they became donors, then it should serve as another reason to be careful with the vessle you were born in.
It also gives me reason to no longer fear death. Apparently, we live on, bit by bit in the bodies of everyone else. When I think like that, nothing scares me. Fuck it, let's dance.
Four years ago, I was forced into an emergency heart transplant. I had severe valve blockage, and several blood clots forming at various points encasing the heart. This would have been the point in time where, had you asked me, I woulda told you I was scared of death.
But once you get your old organ ripped outta your chest cavity and a new one stuck in it's place... nothin' that scared you before that moment will scare you after it. Almost nothing scares me now. Nothing except dancing. Dancing scares me now. I never really danced much before I went through a heart transplant. But since then, I dance all the time.
They say those who receive the heart of a donor will, upon occasion, take on the characteristics of said donor. However, most of the recorded examples of this were based on the patient acclimating to the donor's history only after learning it from donor reports and doctor's postings. So okay, so now I dance. I didn't much dance before, now I dance like I was raised in a cabaret. The problem is, I never read anyting about the donor until about a year ago. Hell, I didn't even realize I was given a woman's heart. I signed a waiver stipulating that I have access to this information, but not be supplied with it unless I sought it out. Apaprently, a woman's heart is not the same size a man's and, in fact, a doctor can visually decipher a male heart from a female heart.
I have a female heart inside me.
Which isn't to say that I am writing now with some confusion in regards to my sexual preference or to suggest I'd like my outer self to match the heart keeping me alive. I write now only to suggest that if it's true that one takes on various attributes of the donors before they became donors, then it should serve as another reason to be careful with the vessle you were born in.
It also gives me reason to no longer fear death. Apparently, we live on, bit by bit in the bodies of everyone else. When I think like that, nothing scares me. Fuck it, let's dance.
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