At the risk of exposing myself as an irredeemable goober, I have decided to make public, my long-standing belief that every good song can be divided into one of 10 categories that I have honed and crafted over the years.
Firstly, I should mention that drum and guitar solos do not count, as they are obvious necessities in creating a great song. That's like claiming lyrics and melodies are required as well. Duh, right?
Instead, what I have here are the ingredients to creating a masterwork of kickassitude. Any given song can include many or just one of these ingredients, but if they include none, the song was probably written by Tori Amos. (ouch. Burn.) If you know of any song that includes all ten of the rules listed here, please e-mail me immediately so I may find it and commence gettin' my face melted!
NOTE TO READER: If you find yourself struggling to identify with this list when comparing it to your own musical tastes... please, do nont hesitate to come on over to the house so I can fix whatever aisl you. Bring your iPod, I'll reload it, you'll be set in like, ten minutes.
Wish luck.
TOP 10 INGREDIENTS THAT MAKE A KICKASS SONG, A KICKASS SONG
10. When Instruments That Are Not Actually Instruments Are Nevertheless Used As Instruments. When Brian Wilson holed himself up in his California recording studio to create Pet Sounds, the engineers on that record thought he had gone criminally insane. In a time where The Beatles were cookie-cutting out number one hits with bass, guitar, and drums, Wilson used barnyard animals, bicycle bells, and an oddity called the Theremin, which is such a cool indstrument, people still don't know what thre fuck it is. On a completely unrelated note: Pet Sounds is one of the five best albums ever made.
EXAMPLES: 'Filipino Box Spring Hog' by Tom Waits, 'Extraordinary Machine' by Fiona Apple. .
9. Songs In List-Form. I've gotten into dozens of arguments about this one. Many people feel listing shit for four minutes isn't much of a feat, but any song that manages to rhyme Budapest and Khruschev and homicide with thalidomide is damn near Socratic in it's brilliance. (SIDEBAR: it wasn't until Billy Joel's incendiary song list-of-stuff-that-happened-before-I-was-born hit the charts that I noticed that Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio rhyme. Not only that, Disneyland and Peter Pan rhyme as well. There's some sort of comforting symmetry in all that. )
EXAMPLES: 'Wanted Man' by Johnny Cash, 'Man At the Top' by Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band, 'I've Been Everywhere' by Hank Snow.
8. Grunts, Yelps, and Screeches That Occur Without Warning. We'll call this the "James Brown Award For Excellence In Song-Craftmanship". I'm gonna go ahead and assume this one needs no clarification.
7. The Band Drops Out. You know you've got a good song when, about three minutes through the song, the band just stops. The song's hook is so sustaining and so brilliant, the band can completely break off and the tune remains be in your head - liquified into your neurological system - wherein all that is required is a simple vocal repeat of the words.
EXAMPLES: 'Float On' Modest Mouse, 'I Love Rock' N' Roll' by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, 'Smalltown' by John (Cougar?) Mellencamp
6. Claps, Snaps and/or Foot Stomping. Look, I like drums as much as the next guy, but there's a part of me that will always appreciate Ace Frehley's foot percussioning in New York Groove more than anything his guitar ever did.
EXAMPLES: 'Clap Your Hands' by The Meters, 'We Will Rock You' by Queen, 'Photograph' by Weezer.
5. False Endings. I was a fan of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces despite knowing it was 80-percent false. I'm also a fan of songs that pretend to end only to scare the piss outta me when they suddenly return. What does this mean? It clearly means that I enjoy being duped and wetting my pants. False endings serve a dual purpose.
EXAMPLES: 'Do You Love Me' by The Contours, 'Centerfold' by J. Geils Band, 'Good Vibrations' by The Beach Boys.
4. Replacing Finely Crafted Lyrics With Rythmical Hollering. Although there is a wonderful aethestic pleasure in listening to artists impress audiences with their enlarged lexicon by rhyming eutopia with corneucopia (we'll call this "The Rule of The Decemberists"), there is also something totally, obviously wicked about rolling down the window and whoa-whoa-whoaing at the top of your lungs. Bonus: hard to forget the words when there are none.
EXAMPLES: 'Sweetness' by Jimmy Eat World, 'Of All the Gin Joints' by Fall Out Boy, 'Werewolves Of London' by Warren Zevon, 'Dope Nose' by Weezer
3. Fake Words. I dunno if I should credit Ella Fitzgerald, the Doo-Wop groups of the 1950's or Snoop Dog, but either way, making up words to fill a chorus or to rhyme with "drizzle", is a-okay by me.
EXAMPLES: 'Cement Mixer (Putt-i, Putt-i)' by Slim Gaillard, 'Rubber Biscuit' by The Chips, 'Da Doo Ron Ron' by The Crystals, 'Gossip Folks' by Missy Elliot
2. Horns. This is geared more toward rock songs, but I challenge anyone to give me an example of a song that was made worse by adding horns into it. This rule also applies to strings, specifically the violin. Oo... also, if I might be gluttonous for a moment, I'd also like to add bass guitar solos to this rule. Those are as rare and sweet as Cadbury Eggs in November.
EXAMPLES: 'Respect' by Otis Redding (horns), 'Hurricane' by Bob Dylan (actually, you can probably just include all the songs from the album Desire 'cause they all kick equal amounts of ass). (strings), 'Brown Eyed Girl' by Van Morrison (sweet, sweet bass solo)
1. Call and Response. I'm a sucker for interplay between two singers or musicians in one band. I like the idea that they are relying on one another to make the song pop. Sharing a microphone; intermingling their strumming and so-on... Is that gay? I didn't mean for that to come off as gay. Anyway, when I say "Kick", you say "Ass"! "Kick"! "Ass!" "Kick!" "Ass!"
EXAMPLES: 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling' by The Righteous Brothers, 'The Fallen' by Franz Ferdinand, 'Let Me Clear My Throat' by Biz Markie
So that's the list. Do with it what you will. Now go out there and be somebody!
Firstly, I should mention that drum and guitar solos do not count, as they are obvious necessities in creating a great song. That's like claiming lyrics and melodies are required as well. Duh, right?
Instead, what I have here are the ingredients to creating a masterwork of kickassitude. Any given song can include many or just one of these ingredients, but if they include none, the song was probably written by Tori Amos. (ouch. Burn.) If you know of any song that includes all ten of the rules listed here, please e-mail me immediately so I may find it and commence gettin' my face melted!
NOTE TO READER: If you find yourself struggling to identify with this list when comparing it to your own musical tastes... please, do nont hesitate to come on over to the house so I can fix whatever aisl you. Bring your iPod, I'll reload it, you'll be set in like, ten minutes.
Wish luck.
TOP 10 INGREDIENTS THAT MAKE A KICKASS SONG, A KICKASS SONG
10. When Instruments That Are Not Actually Instruments Are Nevertheless Used As Instruments. When Brian Wilson holed himself up in his California recording studio to create Pet Sounds, the engineers on that record thought he had gone criminally insane. In a time where The Beatles were cookie-cutting out number one hits with bass, guitar, and drums, Wilson used barnyard animals, bicycle bells, and an oddity called the Theremin, which is such a cool indstrument, people still don't know what thre fuck it is. On a completely unrelated note: Pet Sounds is one of the five best albums ever made.
EXAMPLES: 'Filipino Box Spring Hog' by Tom Waits, 'Extraordinary Machine' by Fiona Apple. .
9. Songs In List-Form. I've gotten into dozens of arguments about this one. Many people feel listing shit for four minutes isn't much of a feat, but any song that manages to rhyme Budapest and Khruschev and homicide with thalidomide is damn near Socratic in it's brilliance. (SIDEBAR: it wasn't until Billy Joel's incendiary song list-of-stuff-that-happened-before-I-was-born hit the charts that I noticed that Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio rhyme. Not only that, Disneyland and Peter Pan rhyme as well. There's some sort of comforting symmetry in all that. )
EXAMPLES: 'Wanted Man' by Johnny Cash, 'Man At the Top' by Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band, 'I've Been Everywhere' by Hank Snow.
8. Grunts, Yelps, and Screeches That Occur Without Warning. We'll call this the "James Brown Award For Excellence In Song-Craftmanship". I'm gonna go ahead and assume this one needs no clarification.
7. The Band Drops Out. You know you've got a good song when, about three minutes through the song, the band just stops. The song's hook is so sustaining and so brilliant, the band can completely break off and the tune remains be in your head - liquified into your neurological system - wherein all that is required is a simple vocal repeat of the words.
EXAMPLES: 'Float On' Modest Mouse, 'I Love Rock' N' Roll' by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, 'Smalltown' by John (Cougar?) Mellencamp
6. Claps, Snaps and/or Foot Stomping. Look, I like drums as much as the next guy, but there's a part of me that will always appreciate Ace Frehley's foot percussioning in New York Groove more than anything his guitar ever did.
EXAMPLES: 'Clap Your Hands' by The Meters, 'We Will Rock You' by Queen, 'Photograph' by Weezer.
5. False Endings. I was a fan of James Frey's A Million Little Pieces despite knowing it was 80-percent false. I'm also a fan of songs that pretend to end only to scare the piss outta me when they suddenly return. What does this mean? It clearly means that I enjoy being duped and wetting my pants. False endings serve a dual purpose.
EXAMPLES: 'Do You Love Me' by The Contours, 'Centerfold' by J. Geils Band, 'Good Vibrations' by The Beach Boys.
4. Replacing Finely Crafted Lyrics With Rythmical Hollering. Although there is a wonderful aethestic pleasure in listening to artists impress audiences with their enlarged lexicon by rhyming eutopia with corneucopia (we'll call this "The Rule of The Decemberists"), there is also something totally, obviously wicked about rolling down the window and whoa-whoa-whoaing at the top of your lungs. Bonus: hard to forget the words when there are none.
EXAMPLES: 'Sweetness' by Jimmy Eat World, 'Of All the Gin Joints' by Fall Out Boy, 'Werewolves Of London' by Warren Zevon, 'Dope Nose' by Weezer
3. Fake Words. I dunno if I should credit Ella Fitzgerald, the Doo-Wop groups of the 1950's or Snoop Dog, but either way, making up words to fill a chorus or to rhyme with "drizzle", is a-okay by me.
EXAMPLES: 'Cement Mixer (Putt-i, Putt-i)' by Slim Gaillard, 'Rubber Biscuit' by The Chips, 'Da Doo Ron Ron' by The Crystals, 'Gossip Folks' by Missy Elliot
2. Horns. This is geared more toward rock songs, but I challenge anyone to give me an example of a song that was made worse by adding horns into it. This rule also applies to strings, specifically the violin. Oo... also, if I might be gluttonous for a moment, I'd also like to add bass guitar solos to this rule. Those are as rare and sweet as Cadbury Eggs in November.
EXAMPLES: 'Respect' by Otis Redding (horns), 'Hurricane' by Bob Dylan (actually, you can probably just include all the songs from the album Desire 'cause they all kick equal amounts of ass). (strings), 'Brown Eyed Girl' by Van Morrison (sweet, sweet bass solo)
1. Call and Response. I'm a sucker for interplay between two singers or musicians in one band. I like the idea that they are relying on one another to make the song pop. Sharing a microphone; intermingling their strumming and so-on... Is that gay? I didn't mean for that to come off as gay. Anyway, when I say "Kick", you say "Ass"! "Kick"! "Ass!" "Kick!" "Ass!"
EXAMPLES: 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling' by The Righteous Brothers, 'The Fallen' by Franz Ferdinand, 'Let Me Clear My Throat' by Biz Markie
So that's the list. Do with it what you will. Now go out there and be somebody!
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