Top 9 Ingredients That Hurt Songs

Several months ago, I created a list of the 10 best things that occur in songs. I got a lot of private comments regarding the asininity or geniusness of that list. And because I'm a big fan of mixed signals, I decided to solicite another set of crossed messages by creating it's counterpoint list.

And in the same manner I discluded obvious positive song traits like awesome drums solos and any song that has your name in it ( 'Adam Raised A Cain' by Springsteen, 'Adam & Eve' by The Hawaii Mud Bombers, 'Adam's Song' by Blink 182), I also discluded obvious song traits that might crap-up any given song like grunting into the microphone, overuse of the triangle and Tori Amos' voice.



Top 09 Things That Hurt Songs

09. Pop Songs With Swear Words Repeated Over and Over
To me, this is like seeing a beautiful supermodel with a fat red sore on the side of her mouth. I want to be able to go into any elementary school playground, walk up to a handful of small children and serenade them with my awesome singing voice and there are just certain songs that deem these actions irresponsible and wrong.
This frustrates me greatly
EXAMPLE: 'Hollaback Girl' by Gwen Stefani, 'Cold Hard B****' by Jet

08. Having to Play the "Is-the-Lead-Singer-A-Man-Or-A-Woman" Game
I always enjoyed the vocal stylings of the jazz singer Nina Simone. Nina Simone is a very feminine name, but I misread the cd case and thought it was Nina SIMON. Now look, I've never heard of a man named "Nina" before, but Simon seemed more male than Simone and so the rest just kinda went by the wayside.
What I'm sayin' is that it really threw me when I realized that Nina Simone was a woman and not a man. It was like finding out a boy-cousin you used to take baths with was a girl the whole time. It changes nothing, yet chages everything.
EXAMPLE: 'Asleep On A Sunbeam' by Belle and Sabastian, 'These Days' by Nico

07. Nationality Identity Disorder
You know what? It's time UB40 come clean and admit that they're about as Jamaican as I am (I am not Jamaican). That's a wonderful example of what I hate the most about the 1980's music, a foursome of bored white dudes from the West Midlands decided that they had nothing to say for themselves so they might as well bastardize someone else's style and misrepresent it.
The Rolling Stones did this upon occasion too, but The Rolling Stones also wrote 'Street Fighting Man' so there's only so much crap I'm willing to give them. The fact is, Jamaicans (from what I can tell) have no interest in wine: pink, white or red-red and they would like UB40 to sing in their natural voices from now on.
EXAMPLE: 'Oh Cherry' by The Rolling Stones, 'Welcome To Paradise' by Greenday, 'Needles and Pins' by The Ramones

06. Using 'Maybe' To Rhyme With 'Baby' (Or Vice-Versa)
If I am ever at a concert or an open-mic night or a concert fundraiser for blind autistics with cancer and you see me stand up suddenly and leave in a huff, it's because I just heard the word "Maybe" rhymed with the word "Baby". Rhyming "maybe" with "baby" is the song lyric equivalent of describing something as "really, really, really, really, really good". You've essentially said nothing of substance and wasted my time doing it. If you can't write a better lyric, do a cover version of a song that can.
And by the way, no one ever "means maybe". It is superfluous to tell us that you mean business here; that you don't mean maybe. What a stupid sentiment.
EXAMPLE: 'Charleston Medley' (standard), 'C'Mon' by The Rolling Stones, 'Maybe Baby' by Buddy Holly & The Crickets

05. Static Song Instrumentals
There was a time in my life between 1995 and maybe 1997 where Steppenwolf's 'Magic Carpet Ride' was one of my three favorite songs ever created. I loved it. It had everything I love. I love magic. I love rugs. And I love travel. It was a glorious fusion of my passions and Steppenwolf's.
Then one day I realized the song was 4:30 minutes long and that each and every time the vocals ceased 1:55 into the song my mind went with it. I still don't really know what goes on between 1:55 and 4:05. It's a blur, white noise. Even now, I put the song on and am currently typing this section of the blog while the instrumentation goes on and on and on.
Can one of my favorite songs really have 1/3 of it that I've never heard before? No and so it's moved quite a ways down my all-time favorite song list.
The odd thing is, without fail, my mind will go from my gorcery list or when the last time I had a haircut was and immediately click back into the song when those seven pure tones come in signifying that Steppenwolf decided to stop jamming.
EXAMPLE: 'Ironman' by Ozzy Osbourne, 'Don't Fear the Reaper' by Blue Oyster Cult

04. The Name Of the Song Has Absolutely Nothing to Do With the Lyrics In the Song.
You know what The Who's best song is? It's 'Baba O'Riley'. And the only people who know this song by name are Who fans. The casual listener has no clue what a baba is nor do they know anything about it's apparent Irish ancestory. But the casual listener will be happy to pump their fist in the air and holler "Teenage Wasteland" over and over and over again (followed of course, by a sweet air-violin).
But Pete Townshend is a pompous genius who leans toward making his audience work a little and so there we are, two types of people: 'Baba' people and 'Wasteland' people.
EXAMPLE: 'Combination Of the Two' by Big Brother & Holding Company, 'Train In Vain (Stand By Me)' by The Clash, 'Burning Of the Midnight Lamp' by Jimi Hendrix

03. Too Much Repetition. Too Much Repetition. Too Much Repetition.
You know what, I like 'Message In A Bottle'. I too hope that someone gets his, hope someone gets his, hope someone gets his message in a bottle, 'cause then maybe once someone gets Sting's damn message, he can shorten his song from nearly five minutes to the 2:30 it should be if he would just stop repeating his hope for someone to find his stupid bottle message.
EXAMPLE: 'Message In A Bottle' by The Police, 'Centerfold' by The J.Geils Band

02. Child Choruses.
This creeps me out. Child are wild, unruly crazy creatures; this is natural. This is the way children must be. But in songs with child choruses, they always sound doped up and robotic, as if they haven't been fed in weeks and are threatened with sleeping in unsavory places if they do not sing like angels.
They're always British-sounding kids too; very proper. Is someone looking into this? Are the kids alright overdseas? Why do these chorus kids all sound like they know the exact date the world is going to end?
Whew. Creepy.
EXAMPLE: 'Another Brick In the Wall' by Pink Floyd, 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' by The Rolling Stones, anything by The Langley School Music Project

01. Breaking Into A Monologue Sometime During the Song.
Doo-wop is famous for two things 1) making babytalk noises sound like fluid instrumentation and 2) ruining said vocal instrumentation with over-dramatic discussion. When you're snapping your fingers to a handful of "dip-dip-dip-doo-wahs" and all of a sudden, some silky-smooth voice interrupts all that and says something like, "Baby..." (this section of songs always starts with either "Baby" or "Darling") "...I saw you from across the room. You saw me too. When our eyes met, it was like magic. And I knew, oh baby I just knew I had to walk over and say to you..."
Which inevitably leads back into a chorus of "dip-dip-dip-doo-wahs".

For as much as I love doo-wop, you people have no idea how many things I've smashed in frustration at a good song ruined by this stupid song trick.
EXAMPLE: 'Here Comes My Girl' by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, 'Who Put the Bomp' by Barry Mann, 'Crazy' by Aerosmith

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I've never been more frustrated writing a list than I was writing this one. What are people thinking sometimes? Gawd!
Also, my apologies to The Rolling Stones whom I flamed several times in this blog. Everyone knows the Rolling Stones are kickass, but let's face it, when you've been making music for 300 years, a few of the tracks are going to lack.