Scenes from a Cinema

The way it played in my mind was this:
My dad was going to drop me and my best friend off at the local movie theater to see a classic piece of cinema art about a talking dog running amok. He was going to drive us there in his silver Mazda and watch as we skipped up to the ticket booth. He was then going to drive off whistling, or drumming on the steering wheel, or talking in a Dutch accent or whatever it was that parents did when there were no children around.

He would drive away and my best friend and I would never buy tickets to the talking dog movie.

You see, we specifically requested the local theater because the local theater didn't card underage moviegoers. Instead of the talking dog, my buddy and I planned on seeing the R-rated movie about two foul-mouthed sociopaths killing everyone they see.
At the age of thirteen, two foul-mouthed idiots on a rampage are way better than some crazy talking dog.
We had done our homework, we read several reviews of the dog movie, lest we get asked about it by our respective parents.
We were giddy with our rebelliousness. We were minds of unmatchable genius. We were only thirteen yet alarmingly clever.
We were magicians.
We were Kreskin and Houdini.
On this spring day of our budding brilliance, everyone was outside. In the parks were soccer boys and hopscotch girls. The curbsides hosted skateboarders and the pools hosted swimmers. It was this day that the two of us would surpass them all as intellectuals.
We were grifters. We were sneaks. We were gods...

...We were also horrified by the very sin, filth and bile that our mothers had tried so desperately to shield us from. There was a man sitting next to us that greatly resembled Jesus Christ, which was only the second creepiest thing to occur during the movie.*
As the sun set on our day of glorious rebellion, we decided to walk home instead of calling our parents to pick us up. We had to get our stories straight, have a little cool-down time from the murderous rampage. We settled on a lie to tell our respective parents; the talking dog was funny and the best part was when he ran through the doggy pound opening all the cages.
We both figured that by that point, any parent would have already lost interest. Walking past my friends house, I wished him luck with the finale to our ruse and walked the final distance alone.
Something was born in me at that moment.

* * * * *

There's a basic problem with movies: they all cost the same to see. Can you imagine if clothing stores tried to pull that nonsense? Seeing a Tom Hanks movie versus a Colin Ferrell flick is like paying the same amount for an Armani suit as you would for Old Navy flip-flops?
Many people see movie prices as being too high in general. Those same people might cite the cost of movie tickets as the reason they don't go to many movies.
But here's the problem. I love the movies. There are very few places I'd rather be than a movie theater. Alone or in a large group, I don't care. For me, the question isn't whether or not I will be going to the movies, but how I can make the experience as inexpensive as possible.
This is a skill I have sharpened to a murderous point over the years.
I am the Majariji of moviegoing.
I am the Ali Baba of theater sneaks.
I am so good at it that I will, for both your entertainment and your education, tell you how I get into the theaters and no one will ever catch me.
You hear me theater owners? You will never catch me.
I am the Roadrunner.
I am the Great White Whale.
I am LochNess.
But first... some rules. I am not a completely immoral person. And while I have no qualms whatsoever of keeping money out of the pockets of overly paid producers, I do understand that they're not the only ones effected by my unsavory behavior.

Rule #1: I do not sneak into independent theaters. Sure, there are logical reasons for this; Indie theaters often have only three or four screens, so it's harder to sneak in. But also, they show movies that no one else would ever show and not surprisingly, these are often my favorite films of any given year. I cheat them, they go bankrupt, I turn out to be the big loser.
The first rule in grifting: never make yourself the big loser.

Rule #2: I pay for the movies I really want to see. Recently, I went to go see 'Scoop'. I like Woody Allen and didn't want to miss it. I later snuck in to see 'You, Me & Dupree' and followed that up with 'My Super Ex-Girlfriend'. I cannot recommend either of the latter films, nor did I imagine I would. But I find both Wilson brothers amusing and decided that neither film looked bad enough for me to decline for free. No harm, no foul; it was really hot outside that day, I had nothing better to do. I'm glad I gave my money to 'Scoop'.

Rule #3: In the as-yet-to-occur event that I get caught sneaking from theater to theater, I have resolved never to give any of the employees trouble. I've come up with two contingency plans on how to remain in my theater even after being caught, but I don't plan on using either of them. They're just doing their job and if I get caught, I haven't been doing mine; I deserve to be asked to leave.

Rule #4: Most movie theaters offer employment opportunities to persons with various mental and physical disabilites. I don't fool, cheat, or lie to any of them. If it comes down to me paying for a ticket or tricking one of these employees, I'll take the humble. It's not fair and I'm pretty sure there will be a special place in Hell for me if I ever grifted one of these good people.

* * * * *

I have to hand it to the multiplexes, it's not like they're lying down and allowing theater-sneaks into their establishment without a fight. Their biggest counterpunch has been "The Stagger Method". The Stagger Method is split into two branches. The first branch is to stagger the showtimes so that no movie ends right as another one is beginning, thus making the would-be sneak wait around for half-an-hour or so.
The second method is to stagger the theaters that the newest and most popular films are playing in. The philosophy behind this seems to be that sneaks are impatient creatures willing only to check into movies being released that week.
This is not true, but it is helpful to my cause for theater owners to continue thinking this.
The truth is, the best way to go about picking your movies is to figure out which movie you really want to see and work the theater's schedule in finding follow-up sneak films. More often than not, you'll have luck with movies released a week or two ago. Also, new movies that aren't very popular are very rarely guarded against.
The truth is, most mulit-plexes these days simply have too many movies showing in too many theaters for them to completely safeguard against people like me.
The main things you have to remember when figuring out your "Sneak Schedule" are as follows:
1) Be patient. If movies aren't lining up, wait a week maybe two. Eventually, the movie you'd like to sneak in to will be sent to theaters 16-20 and no one will remember them even being there.**
2) Do Your homework. There should never be any surprises in sneaking into the theaters. You should know when the movie is going to let out and you should know where the theater is that you'll be heading to next. The key to sneaking into movies is to take the element of surprise out of it. It is also in your best interest to remember that the listed showtimes are including the end credits (which most people do not sit through) but not inclusive of the commercials and coming attractions that every movie shows. The commercials and previews add anywhere from 10 to 25 minutes to the running time.
All of that works in your favor too, because none of it is important and yet all of it helps shield you from any suspicious behavior. If it's the difference between watching the credits roll or standing out in the lobby for five minutes waiting for the theater crew to mop up the popcorn from the last show, what's the harm in finding out who the key grip on 'Lady In the Water' was?
3) Assume Nothing. First of all, never assume that no one is watching you. Never assume that no one noticed you on the way in and never assume that you're the only person to ever sneak around their theater.
That all being said, no one is paying any attention to you, which is why it's so easy to sneak from theater to theater.

Moviehouses can stagger their showtimes and theaters to make it more difficult, but these multi-plexes are still hiring bored teenagers to rip tickets and sweep seats. I'm 26-years-old. They don't suspect me running from the new Paul Haggis film to the new Woody Allen and then into the new Will Ferrell.
I don't fit their M.O.
And it is this knowledge that has helped me develop ways to get in the theater for free. I've developed two fairly successful manners of walking in the front door and getting in for free. I wouldn't suggest using these very often. Perhaps if someone steals your wallet on the way to the movies or maybe if you've got a personal vendetta against the theater owner, but otherwise, it's better just to sneak.

1) The Frustrated Bee-Line. This move requires a little bit of timing and a little bit of acting. From the parking lot of the theater, act frustrated and annoyed, but not pissed. Head directly toward whoever it is that is ripping the tickets or allowing you access to the theater of your choice. Before you arrive ast the theater, you're going to need to know what film (or two) is letting out as you arrive. You're going to need to know this because this trick dicatates that you are pretending to have just left that show (even though of course, you haven't).
You walk up to the ticket ripper and say (in a frustrated manner) that you were just in such-and-such film, it let out ten minutes ago, and you left your hat in the theater. Sometimes I go with book, instead of hat just to throw them off a bit. I bet they never expect to hear "book". Anyway, the movie just let out, the credits may very well still be rolling (best case scenario), the janitorial crew hasn't swept up yet.
One of two things will happen. Either the guy will let you go and look for your hat/book/ puppy/child yourself or he'll offer to do it for you. Either way, you've already won.
If he let's you go, you're in. He doesn't know what theater you intend to go to and he won't go searchin'. However, if the ticket ripper decides to check the theater for you, make sure as he is walking away that you say "alright thanks, while you're doing that I'll go check with customer service." It's important that the ticket ripper hears you say this, so that after he comes back and you are no longer there (because you're sitting in your movie) that he doesn't wonder where you went. It's not a big deal, but it might save him from inquiring further after he comes back hatless or bookless and finds you gone.
The details are small, but important.
The only safeguard against this manuever for the theater, is if the ticket ripper asks you to wait where you are and employs the help of a third person, another ticket ripper most probably. Then, you just have to wait it out, act real sad when your hat doesn't show up and regroup.

2) The Friendly Projectionist. I discovered this trick accidentally. Go up to the box office person and ask if "Chris" is still the projectionist. They'll more than likely say no and you'll ask them who is running the booth now. They'll give you a name, maybe two. No matter what name they give you, act as if you (ohmigod!) actually know them.
"That's crazy, I haven't seen (Maybelle/Floyd/ Eric/ Betty) in, like five months. I didn't know they were working at THIS theater. "
Have some fun with this portion of the lie. Riff a little. Play some jazz. Make the box office person believe in your friendship with Maybelle/Floyd/ Billy/ Juniper/ Harris, whatever.
Then, ask if the projectionist is busy. Ask if they're not too busy if you can "say hey" to them. They won't say no. Why would they? You guys are friends and projectionsts are rarely busy for more than twenty minutes at a time. I know this because I actually have a projectionist friend and I know what his job consists of.
They'll tell you to go inside and ask one of the customer service people to go get the projectionist. You'll follow the customer service guy to the cute little doorway that leads upstairs to the massive projectionist space.
And while you are waiting you will realize two things. 1) you are inside, past the ticket takers and you haven't spent a dime. 2) no one is watching you.
Quickly head to whatever theater you wanted to go to.
This one is tricky because they will probably go looking for you, but the bulk of employees in movie theaters have been broken down so much in the time they've worked there that they really won't care enough to call out the dogs. But just in case, it's best to bring a hat and wear it only after you flee the projectionist area. Also, if you have a sweatshirt, take it off and make sure the undershirt you've got on is in stark contrast to your sweatshirt.
And finally, sit amongst people, hopefully in a crowded theater.
When the people looking for you realize that they don't know which theater you snuck in to, can't recall what you specifically look like and aren't positive you snuck into a movie in the first place, they'll give up.
And you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Am I a cheap person? No, not really. But I see somewhere between 50 to 75 movies a year. Multiply that by $10 a show and you can imagine how much I've saved over the last thirteen years. And as I get older, sneaking around only gets easier.

Now if you'll excuse me, 'The Night Listener' and 'Taladega Nights' both open tomorrow and I still haven't seen the documentary on electric cars or Leonard Cohen and I've got to figure out how to fit them all in tomorrow.

====================================

* The first creepiest being the human spleen that was shredded during the movie's climax. At thirteen, I hadn't had much experience with spleens, shredded or otherwise.

** I'm not kidding about this. I once snuck into 'Looney Tunes: Back In Action' and they forgot to start the film. I was the only one in the theater. I sat there for twenty minutes before I got up, told them of the problem. They started the film and gave me a pss to see another movie free at a later date.
I couldn't believe A) that no one realized that they hadn't sold any tickets to that showing of 'Looney Tunes: Back In Action' but that someone was nevertheless complaining about not seeing it and B) how bad 'Looney Tunes: Back In Action' was.