I recently completed a road trip where eating and driving were an essential element. I couldn't take a bite of my Taco Bell without something falling into my lap.
It was a total embarrassment. There was a time I could eat 25 buffalo wings without smudging sauce on the gear shift. Now? Now my girlfriend had to blot out the melted cheese from my lapel, the seatbelt covering my shirt and the bottom of my chin.
It was as if they gave a three-year-old a liscense to drive.
I'm also becoming more and more aware of other drivers on the road as I become older. It used to be that I'd judge a night's worth of driving by how hard my friends and I could make the car rock from side to side at each stop light. Or how accurately I could make my car sync to the beat on the radio by pumping the brakes of my car in rhythm with the song's bassline. As long as I gave myself a solid 10 feet behind the car stopped in front of me, I could bump my car for the entire stop light's duration while simulating hydraulics. I didn't care what this looked like to innocents stopped near me, watching the windows fog up from a group of rowdies screaming 'More Than A Feeling' at the top of their lungs.
Those were the good ol' days.
I'm also becoming more and more aware of other drivers on the road as I become older. It used to be that I'd judge a night's worth of driving by how hard my friends and I could make the car rock from side to side at each stop light. Or how accurately I could make my car sync to the beat on the radio by pumping the brakes of my car in rhythm with the song's bassline. As long as I gave myself a solid 10 feet behind the car stopped in front of me, I could bump my car for the entire stop light's duration while simulating hydraulics. I didn't care what this looked like to innocents stopped near me, watching the windows fog up from a group of rowdies screaming 'More Than A Feeling' at the top of their lungs.
Those were the good ol' days.
Them days is gone.
Now I think about the damage I'm causing to my brakes each time I stamp my feet upon them. Now I worry that passer-bys are mistaking my empassioned Pussycat Dolls lip-syncing for a violent shouting match with my girlfriend.
Anymore, the last vestige of the good ol' days sits with just one car ride staple: the art and diplomacy of calling shotgun.
Nine years ago I devised a regulation sheet for such an art. I've included it here.
The following rules are of official decree and shall not, under any circumstances, be ignored or otherwise thwarted unless officially challenged by a 2/3 majority. (this worked out pretty well considering there were nine people in my main group of friends at the time this manifesto was created. To be fair, those nine people were the only ones aware and thus bound by said manifesto.)
Any rule disagreed upon or challenged must be voiced as a whole (technically the "whole" was 2/3 of nine people. Why I didn't just say that "six people had to have a beef for it to matter" is beyond me, but I think it had something to do with a Criminal and Civil Law class I was taking at the time), and may not be carried forth unless the entirety of the 2/3 majority is present at the amendment process.
I, Adam Shafer, will be the active judge upon all shotgun announcement matters as I am one of this group's main transportation suppliers. (although smuggly written, this was nevertheless true. I drove my friends everywhere. And while I was happy to do it, part of me felt used, or at the very least wished the handful of friends without drivers liscenses would pitch in for gas.)
The Rules
I. Only the first person to say "shotgun" is allowed to sit in the front passenger seat.
a. If there are more than one driver going to the same destination, the person calling "shotgun" must announce in whose car he or she desires the passenger seat. Once it has been determined, the passenger seat(s) in the remaining car(s) are again up for dibs. (I like the fact that I couldn't think of a more official sounding word here than "dibs". That's why I'm not writing policy in D.C. right now folks. That and the fact that I'm intensely stupid.)
b. Calling "shotgun" denotes that you desire sitting in the front passenger seat. You may call another seat if you do not desire sitting in the front passenger seat. There will be no official title for these seats, but if the desired position within the vehicle is not clear, the driver has final say as to the caller's final seat.
c. Calling "bitch" now and forever will refer to the middle portion of the back seat in a five-person car. There is no "bitch" in a minivan. (Unless you were in a car with my friend Rob after spilling food on his mom's apholstery. God, what a whiner!)
d. You may not call "trunk". "Trunk" is not a seat. You may not call "driver". Only the owner of the vehicle can determine where he sits. He may not be forced out of his position.
II. The shotgun position lasts as long as the group remains outside or, in the event of an outdoor activity or concert, for 45 minutes away from the car.
a. If a group drives to 7-11, goes inside for three minutes and comes back out, shotgun is again up for grabs. Switching positions is considered poor form, but is not illegal.
b. If only the person sitting shotgun or the shotgunner and a few other members goes inside but the driver remains in the car, no positions may change.
c. If the group is away from the car for more than 45 minutes - regardless of whether or not anyone went indoors, the car positions are again up for grabs. The driver makes the judgement call if there is an argument about length away from the car.
III. The person sitting shotgun is in charge of the radio.
a. The driver has unlimited veto power, but the one sitting in the fron passenger seat may listen to whatever he or she wishes, as long as the driver allows it.
IV. The shotgunner must adjust his or her seat to accomodate the person sitting behind them.
a. if the backseat sitters are comfortable, the shotgunner may leave the seat as is.
b. If the backseat sitters are being unfair with their adjustment demands, the shotgunner may appeal to the driver, whom will make an immediate decision.
V. In the event that two or more people call "shotgun" at the same time, the driver must make an immediate ruling.
a. there is no arguing with the driver. (I shoulda made my friends walk home way more than I did. No one followed this rule. I was too soft with them)
VI. None of the heretofore mentioned rules apply if the driver's significant other is in the car. Entitled the "Dating Rule" (catchy title), the boyfriend or girlfriend supercedes any "shotgun" call. The significant other may wish to give up their seat, but they are not required to.
VII. The driver has final say in all matters. Unconditionally, unless they are drunk or somehow inebriated.
I, _______________________ do hereby understand and agree to comply with each and every rule listed in this manifesto or relinquish all rights to ever sit shotgun again.
_________________________ _____________
signature date
I printed off one manifesto for each of my friends and they kept them in their gloveboxes for an entire year until we all went off to college.
Now I think about the damage I'm causing to my brakes each time I stamp my feet upon them. Now I worry that passer-bys are mistaking my empassioned Pussycat Dolls lip-syncing for a violent shouting match with my girlfriend.
Anymore, the last vestige of the good ol' days sits with just one car ride staple: the art and diplomacy of calling shotgun.
Nine years ago I devised a regulation sheet for such an art. I've included it here.
The Shotgun Manifesto
The following rules are of official decree and shall not, under any circumstances, be ignored or otherwise thwarted unless officially challenged by a 2/3 majority. (this worked out pretty well considering there were nine people in my main group of friends at the time this manifesto was created. To be fair, those nine people were the only ones aware and thus bound by said manifesto.)
Any rule disagreed upon or challenged must be voiced as a whole (technically the "whole" was 2/3 of nine people. Why I didn't just say that "six people had to have a beef for it to matter" is beyond me, but I think it had something to do with a Criminal and Civil Law class I was taking at the time), and may not be carried forth unless the entirety of the 2/3 majority is present at the amendment process.
I, Adam Shafer, will be the active judge upon all shotgun announcement matters as I am one of this group's main transportation suppliers. (although smuggly written, this was nevertheless true. I drove my friends everywhere. And while I was happy to do it, part of me felt used, or at the very least wished the handful of friends without drivers liscenses would pitch in for gas.)
The Rules
I. Only the first person to say "shotgun" is allowed to sit in the front passenger seat.
a. If there are more than one driver going to the same destination, the person calling "shotgun" must announce in whose car he or she desires the passenger seat. Once it has been determined, the passenger seat(s) in the remaining car(s) are again up for dibs. (I like the fact that I couldn't think of a more official sounding word here than "dibs". That's why I'm not writing policy in D.C. right now folks. That and the fact that I'm intensely stupid.)
b. Calling "shotgun" denotes that you desire sitting in the front passenger seat. You may call another seat if you do not desire sitting in the front passenger seat. There will be no official title for these seats, but if the desired position within the vehicle is not clear, the driver has final say as to the caller's final seat.
c. Calling "bitch" now and forever will refer to the middle portion of the back seat in a five-person car. There is no "bitch" in a minivan. (Unless you were in a car with my friend Rob after spilling food on his mom's apholstery. God, what a whiner!)
d. You may not call "trunk". "Trunk" is not a seat. You may not call "driver". Only the owner of the vehicle can determine where he sits. He may not be forced out of his position.
II. The shotgun position lasts as long as the group remains outside or, in the event of an outdoor activity or concert, for 45 minutes away from the car.
a. If a group drives to 7-11, goes inside for three minutes and comes back out, shotgun is again up for grabs. Switching positions is considered poor form, but is not illegal.
b. If only the person sitting shotgun or the shotgunner and a few other members goes inside but the driver remains in the car, no positions may change.
c. If the group is away from the car for more than 45 minutes - regardless of whether or not anyone went indoors, the car positions are again up for grabs. The driver makes the judgement call if there is an argument about length away from the car.
III. The person sitting shotgun is in charge of the radio.
a. The driver has unlimited veto power, but the one sitting in the fron passenger seat may listen to whatever he or she wishes, as long as the driver allows it.
IV. The shotgunner must adjust his or her seat to accomodate the person sitting behind them.
a. if the backseat sitters are comfortable, the shotgunner may leave the seat as is.
b. If the backseat sitters are being unfair with their adjustment demands, the shotgunner may appeal to the driver, whom will make an immediate decision.
V. In the event that two or more people call "shotgun" at the same time, the driver must make an immediate ruling.
a. there is no arguing with the driver. (I shoulda made my friends walk home way more than I did. No one followed this rule. I was too soft with them)
VI. None of the heretofore mentioned rules apply if the driver's significant other is in the car. Entitled the "Dating Rule" (catchy title), the boyfriend or girlfriend supercedes any "shotgun" call. The significant other may wish to give up their seat, but they are not required to.
VII. The driver has final say in all matters. Unconditionally, unless they are drunk or somehow inebriated.
I, _______________________ do hereby understand and agree to comply with each and every rule listed in this manifesto or relinquish all rights to ever sit shotgun again.
_________________________ _____________
signature date
* * * * *
I printed off one manifesto for each of my friends and they kept them in their gloveboxes for an entire year until we all went off to college.
For the most part, we managed to follow our own manifesto. now, I can't even finish a Gordita without having to pre-treat my shirt before tossin' it in the wash
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