Umbrellas

Here's an experiment to try the next time you see me...

I get mad at insignificant things yet will let life-altering tragedy roll off my back like downhill marbles. I'm not sure why this is, only that it is.

The first part of the experiment is to punch me in the stomach. Seriously. A solid sock to the wheelhouse.

This will make me mad.

But right after you jam me in the belly, hand me an umbrella and have me walk a block in the rain.

I guarantee I'll be twice as mad after I circle the block.

Why? Because umbrellas don't work.

They should work. Umbrellas have inhabited this earth long enough to develop the reputation of serving a purpose, but there have been numerous walks to and from the train in which I open the umbrella, stand under it and move around. But when I'm all done, everything downward from my hips is as soaked as if I had spent that time jumping in puddles.

If Shakira taught us anything, it's that hips don't lie. If mine are soaked after holding an umbrella over them, that's pretty damning evidence that umbrellas are worthless.

Perhaps I'm using my umbrella incorrectly. Is that possible? I'm somewhat intelligent and umbrellas are somewhat simple gadgets, so I wouldn't assume operator error is probable.

The idea behind the umbrella, in case you're unfamiliar, is to stand underneath a nylon shield so that while your geographic surroundings are being soaked by Mother Nature, you won't be. The umbrella forms a fortress around you, but does not encroach upon your personal space.

In reality, the rain hits the umbrella, slides downward and falls (diagonally) onto my clothes and pissing me off in the process. I mean, Jesus, I might as well hold a tennis racket above my head when it storms. I'd be equally dry at the conclusion of my journey, and with a racket, I'd have a better weapon with which to beat the inventor of the umbrella should I ever run into him.

My mom suggests I get an oversized golf umbrella, the kind that expands out enough to fit three or four people underneath.

First of all, why do golfers need umbrellas? If the weather is inclimate enough to pull out an industrial sized umbrella, shouldn't all golf activities cease anyway? Get indoors, dummy. Additionally, I already have enough to deal with trying to find creative ways to lie to bums about how I haven't got any change or why I can't give it to them. I don't want to add umbrella real estate to the ever-growing list of things I need to deny poor people.

The only median action to be taken in that instance would be to surround myself with bums and let them soak up the runoff from my umbrella. That's not at all humanitarian though. Poor people already have so little to trust in and rely upon, do I really need to be the one to expose the bullshit effectiveness of umbrellas?

Talk about raining on someone's parade.