Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Bill Kurtis
I can't eat in public anymore. I never thought this would be a problem that I would grow up to have, but alas I'm developing a tendency to create hubbubs in eateries.
Once or twice a week I leave work to eat lunch. I always eat alone. It makes me feel chic, like I'm too cool for school...or maybe just too cool for friends. The act of going out to eat is pretty much where my man-about-town fairy tale ends as the places I go are far from high society hang-outs. Most of the restaurants I'm talking about are named after Al or Bernie and the word "beef" or "grill" can be found somewhere in the restaurant's name.
I was in my favorite ethnic delicatessen (read: Chinese food joint) eating my weekly helping of chicken fried rice. I was in Yu Choy (pictured above) for 10 minutes when an older gentleman with a familiar face and an even more familiar voice sat at the table in front of me and ordered chicken dumplings.
I quickly identified him as popular Chicago journalist-cum-AT&T-wireless-Internet-spokesman Bill Kurtis. Whenever I'm in the presence of someone with a modicum of notoriety (it doesn't happen often), I ask myself "how famous is this person in front of me, really?" That is to say, is this person famous enough that distant family members are going to call to say they saw me mixed in with all the media and paparazzi on CNN? Is this person famous enough to be one of the B-listers on "Dancing With the Stars?" or is this person famous like the mildly crazy guy in town whom everyone knows to avoid?
As far as I know (and could tell from watching him eat his dumplings) Bil Kurtis seems more likely to end up dancing with Cheryl Burke than on CNN or the dumpster in my alleyway.
Bill Kurtis (pictured: right) is famous, but with a small "f."
He's famous enough that the Hispanic owner of the Chinese restaurant (?) also recognized him. After gathering around three of his employees to validate his suspicion that the old guy at table four was, in some way, famous, the owner made his approach... with a steaming bowl of shrimp chop suey in hand.* I could tell it was shrimp chop suey, because before he shimmied on over to Mr. Kurtis' table, he brought me my check. His focus was on Bill Kurtis now. He was done with me and the check was his way of signifying it.
Because the book I brought with me was just so-so, by now it only served as a beard disguising my spying on the unfolding theater in front of me. I wondered if the restaurant owner would still hand Bill Kurtis the fresh bowl of suey if Bill Kurtis turned out to be some regular dude with a smooth voice. There weren't any customers in the place without food, how would the owner have covered that up? It was Bill Kurtis, so I'll never know.
*Mmm. Shrimp chop suey. Sparing no expense, I see.
A healthy dose of gushing took a one way trip from the owner to Bill Kurtis. It was muted enough that I couldn't hear exactly what was said. Again, with certain celebrities, you can probably guess what someone would say in that situation.
"Oh Madonna, you look so good for your age... well, I don't mean your age, like you're old, I meant your age as in, 'my God you're 50 and you look 16...' But...but I'm not implying you had plastic surgery. You're 50. Be proud of that...not that you're not... I'm just saying you look healthier than people your age usually look. You look great... you totally look good enough to pull off messing around with A-Rod... not that you were, just that you could..."
But the restaurant owner probably wasn't bringing up A-Rod in his conversation with Bill Kurtis. They exchanged a few more pleasantries and then it got to the point where it would have been awkward for the owner to stand hovering above this poor old (68) guy with two plates of food, one of which he had not ordered. So the owner returned to my table, picked up the money I left with the check and made change. He returned quickly, always with one eye on the famous television anchor, shoveled my change and my check (again) at me and returned to the table in front of me to attend to the whims of Mr. Kurtis (who didn't really seem to have any whims) and to provide an epilogue to the star struck show the owner had been putting on in front of me these last few minutes.
The owner felt comfortable enough to bring a few of the restaurant's cooks over to visit with Bill Kurtis. They weren't asking for autographs or taking pictures. They weren't really chatting with him, either. They were more like watching him chew. Like a scorned wife waiting for her husband to drop dead after eating the soup she poisoned. Everyone huddled around Kurtis waiting for...I dunno, something.
My bill was $7. I left a $2 tip, the high-roller that I am, and finished the two pages left I had in my book's chapter. I gathered my jacket, book and phone and headed for the exit. In the rigmarole surrounding Kurtis, it didn't seem as if anyone was paying attention to me until I heard an angry voice behind me loudly saying "Hey, man!"
Being a man, it seemed reasonable that the statement was directed toward me.
I turned around and the tiny owner was right behind me like we were attached to each other by four feet of rope. He had my check and my $2 in his fist.
"You gotta pay your bill, man," the owner said.
This was confusing because I had paid the bill. I wouldn't know how to go about paying for something twice. I glanced over the owner's head at Bill Kurtis who was (seemingly) not paying attention to the confrontation.** I felt this all somehow had something to with Kurtis and kinda hoped he would, at least, rubberneck in his seat.
** Bill Kurtis is a wily journalist. I now realize he heard every word we said. Well played, old man.
I explained to the owner that the cash he had in his hand was the tip, made from change he had given me just a few minutes ago in a gushing haze of Kurtis excitement. Okay, I didn't say anything about Bill Kurtis, but I was hoping the owner would infer why this mistake was happening. Star gazing Bill Kurtis made this guy think I was dine-and-dashing.
What am I? Miss Louisiana Teen USA?
I am not Miss Louisiana Teen USA.
I'm surprised more people aren't as afraid of this situation as I am. Everyday instances of my-word-against-yours could happen and sometimes do. This was not going to court and I had to decide whether I was willing to walk - perhaps force my way - out of the restaurant (and never come back) or avoid confrontation and pay my bill a second time. I stalled the decision altogether and tried to explain the exact same situation a second time. I again told the owner that "for some reason" he handed me the check along with my change, but that I had paid the bill.
For the owner, it was simple, if the check is one the table it must mean that the customer didn't pay. There's a process, a system, he does this dozens of times a day. Why would that system fail now?
Bill Kurtis, that's why. Damn you, Bill Kurtis.
During my second attempt at explaining the situation, one of the cooks previously gawking at the CBS journalist earlier joined our little pow-wow with a $20 bill in his hand (presumably my $20 bill). He held it in front of the owner as if it were verifiable proof that I had paid. I couldn't imagine that either of them had memorized the serial number of the bill, and the sad thought crossed my mind that my bill was the only twenty in the drawer. Inexplicably I nodded and agreed that the bill in the cook's hand was my bill. "Yup, that's it. Can't you tell? Looks just like the bill I handed you. Andrew Jackson, right? Yeah, totally. That's mine."
The owner was instantly appeased. He apologized and handed me a free fortune cookie, apologizing profusely. I was relieved, nnot mad although I was struck with the irony that Bill Kurtis was more likely to steal from them than I was, as the journalist has a recent history of theft (see video below). And if Yu Choy was willing to give Bill Kurtis some free shrimp suey just for showing up, shouldn't I have had the same for being wrongly accused?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
The Eventual Fall of Sarah Palin
PALIN COMPARISON: This election won't always be about Sarah Palin, but
hopefully by listing enough examples of her incompetence, her fall will arrive
more rapidly
The most precient moment of what was widely considered a stirring speech given by presidential nominee Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention capped off a litany of failed policies enacted during the Bush administration. Failure after failure hitting the audience like bullet shells on concrete, all of it ending immediately and harshly with a single poignant word:
Enough.
The second presidential debate aired tonight between Sens. Obama and John McCain. Amid a blinding storm of Palin-bashing and defending, I had forgotten who really matters in this election. I'm not the only one. Palin is insignificant, so insignificant in fact, that I plan to devote this entire blog entry to her. She's so insignificant that she is resurrecting the ratings of "Saturday Night Live," successfully taken the focus off of many campaign flubs McCain has committed since naming her as the Republican vice-presidential nominee (besides the flub of naming her in the first place).
Her possible proximity to the White House is farcical. It's as ridiculous as her bottled debate talking points, canned CrackerJack jokes and smug winks to America. But none of this rickety carnival ride would happen if we dismissed it outright and we haven't. We're rubbernecking the wreckage and perhaps setting up for our own crash.
Enough.
When President Bll Clinton was caught with his pants down, those pulling the impeachment strings by which Clinton found himself strung up, clucked continously about the abstract notion of Clinton's character. Americans were fed a healthy dose of "if he's crooked enough to get blown in the Oval Office, what else is he crooked enough to do?" It's an old algebra tactic; if you can't prove an equation, disprove its opposite. Clinton may not be bad, let's use this as an example of why he isn't good.
Apply that philosophy to McCain. Instead of using a snicker-inducing, lowest common denominator blow job, replace it with a snicker-inducing lowest common denominator Alaskan.
+ The McCain campaign did not properly vet Governor Palin. This is to be remembered first and foremost above all else. Perhaps if the Arizona senator had met her more than once, any number of the following topics of conversation would have caused him to look elsewhere for a "Vagina American" to absorb Sen Hillary Clinton's voter base.
+ Troopergate. Why have we started adding -gate to every incident and scandal since the Watergate break-in? Gate as a suffix, has no real meaning. It's like after Alex Rodriguez became A-Rod, nicknames simply became the mixture of bits of someone's first and last name. J-Lo, Li-Lo and eventually Brangelina and TomKat. Anyway...
Madame Governor improperly interfered in the investigation of an ex-brother-in law and failed to come clean about it more than once.
+ Gov. Palin inexplicably watches sketch comedy programming with the sound down. Imagine some comic dressed like you, talking like you, representing a funhouse mirror of how you act; wouldn't you be interested in hearing what that comic was saying, or at least, how he or she was saying it? Palin isn't. She said she had "the volume all the way down." She also added that even though she "didn't hear a word [Fey] said... [she] thought it was hilarious... spot on."
She's not only a poor liar, she's a non-sensical one. Why admit you watched it if you're just going to tell people you were staring at flickering images (of you) without curiosity as to the meaning?
+ Former McCain political strategist Mike Murphy and former Reagan speech-writer Peggy Noonan were on MSNBC discussing the Palin selection with Chuck Todd. The cameras stopped rolling (sort of) and the mics stayed on.
+ Gov. Palin co-opted McCain's "maverick" identity along with her opposition to earmarks despite aggressively pursuing earmarks for her Alaskan hometown.
+ Sarah Palin claimed military experience as commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard - when she had never issued a single order.
I did a week's work of stunt striving for "The Dark Knight" last spring, does that make me a movie star?
+ At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin employed the same philosophical advertisement for her ticket mate that the CW did for season two of "Gossip Girl."
"Harry Reid, the majority leader of the current do-nothing Senate. said, 'I can't stand John McCain.' Ladies and gentleman, perhaps no accolade is better proof that we've chosen the right man."
Now take a look at the teen smut show print ads to the left. Criticism-as-promotion.
+ Gov. Palin's pro-women without actually...y'know supporting most big-ticket women's issues such as forced pregnancy abortion.
+ Sarah Palin is against sex education preferring instead that children learn how to avoid turning out like her daughter Bristol through osmosis apparently. And she supports abstinence-only education, despite her oldest daughter, unmarried and as big as Katharine Heigl at the end of "Knocked Up" when they gave her that extra big prosthetic tummy.
+ Gov. Palin's botched interview with Katie Couric forced Sen. John McCain to cancel his appearance on David Letterman, do his own interview with Couric in hopes of taking away some of his own vice-presidential candidate's air time. Check out the damage done, when McCain was a "Late Night" no-show.
+ Alright, here's a quick finish in case you remain unconvinced that Madame Palin must be kept as far away from the White House as... well, as Alaska, let's say.
The Alaskan govenor isn't pro-woman. She's the right-hand, er...um, woman of a man who voted against the Lily Ledbetter bill designed to enhance the power to fight against wage disparagement between men and women. + She didn't sell a jet on eBay as she claimed. + She didn't fire her Governor's personal chef as she claimed. + She was for, then against, the for and she's now currently against (again) the Bridge to Nowhere. + I'll mention the Bush Doctrine here too. + There was her mispronunciation of Gen. David McKiernan as "McClellan" at the vice-presidential debate on Oct. 2.
What am I forgetting?
Here's a few other items I haven't listed:
Enough.
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