Making War Fun Again

It has recently been brought to my attention that Cameron Diaz has jettisoned Justin Timberlake from her romantic life (ten bucks says he won't be bringin' sexy back now) and I cannot help but believe that this event is in direct correlation to my recent post about Timberlake's ownership of Sexy.
But the power that I've obviously eccrued over time, does not come without it's price. I now realize my responsibility to you, the reader, to open your eyes to more important happenings in this world than caMALEtoe and the current location of Sexy.

I'm almost pro-war. I'm not yet pro-war, but I'm close.
And I should clarify that when I mean pro-war, I am not referring to our current situation with American troops in Iraq, I'm speaking about the idea of war. The jangle 'n' thud of nations engaging in a struggle of arms and power.
Yeah. That's what I'm almost completely in favor of.

Recently the New York Times reported on the Pentagon's goal to create fully functioning military robots that will take the place of U.S. soldiers. Okay, so I know what you're thinking and I agree; neither 'Terminator' film ended well, but this is different. James Cameron has nothing to do with this.
This entire idea got me thinking: if we as Americans, were neither taking nor expending human lives in pursuit of oil, power, land, allies, or weapons, would we really care whether or not we were at war? I have yet to hear a single American berating the fact that we are among the most powerful supernations in the world. The damning of our own country enters the argument only when we mistreat smaller, weaker nations in order to maintain such power.

So what happens if we just start blowing up robots instead of each other? Think about the hundreds of thousands of teenagers sitting in their mother's basement at this very moment exploding digital Nazis on their Xbox 360s. Many of these time-wasting teens couldn't get a job much better than Blockbuster Video, but if we employ the use of remotely automated robots, suddenly Skeeter and Drew are our nation's new incarnations of Navy Seals.
These geeks would kick ass.
So voila. In just 24 hours, I've put a stopper on all military human deaths, improved the teenage American workforce, and released Cameron Diaz back into the dating pool.
Do you think they'll mail me my Nobel or am I going to have to fly somewhere to accept it formally?
Heck, I'll even do you one better; with all the money the U.S. military won't be forced to spend feeding or paying soldiers - despite a multiple billion dollar spending plan by 2010 for these robots - we could invade whatever nations we need to, capture whatever it is we need from them, leave and use the rest of the money in a good-will effort to rebuild the war-torn cities we just finished ravaging.
C'mon, that's a clear-cut case of "meeting the enemy halfway".

The fact is, we love watching that show on television where a team of geeks pit their homemade robots against robots built by another team of geeks in a destructive grudge match to the death.
That show gets really nice ratings.
What I'm talking about is a multi-billion dollar version of that television program. Clearly, the American bloodlust is there, let's just make it more like a videogame.
Sure, we'll have to start out responsibly with our awesome warbots because the smaller, poorer nations will take a bit longer to design and manufacture their own, but that's okay.
We'll be patient.
We've already got warbots checking for landmines and scootering into dangerous terrain. Our next step will be to program warbots that travel from home to home gently knocking on doors checking for terrorists. Our country is so damn awesome that we'll even design little metallic hats for our warbots to politely tip if they happen upon a household with no terrorirst affiliations.
Y'hear me? We're building polite warbots. Take that 'Terminator'.
Eventually, like the atomic bomb, everyone else will catch up to our technological awesomeness and then our kickass warbots will do battle with their kickass warbots.
After that, we can just let the videogame dweebs go at one another like it was a 'Mortal Combat' tournament.

I imagine some of you are toiling right now to locate the holes in my "Vision of Human Peace" and that's fine. You have the absolute right to side with the war- mongers. Fair enough.
But just ask Timberlake, I make things happen. I influence powerful people and I'm tired of innocent soldiers and civilians giving their lives when there are so many unused robots that could be giving theirs.
I will save millions of lives and in so doing, will bring the fun back to International Combat.
You folks might wanna get on the bus now, it's rolling out soon.