Sexy II: It's Back!

I've been reading reports throughout the week that Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson of the Black Eyed Peas had to battle with her crystal meth addiction before releasing her new album The Dutchess.* Although a story about a musician battling addiction is hardly noteworthy, a headline stating (purposely, I suspect): " Dutchess' Fergie Fought Meth Addiction." is noteworthy.
Clearly, anyone as adoring of English royality as I, understandably thought that the headline was referring to Dutchess of York Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson.
Admittedly, I was confused.
Totally understandable.

What isn't as understandable, is a seperate, totally unrelated "Hip-Pop" misnomer rolling through the dancefloors of the world.
Justin Timberlake's 'SexyBack'.

With all due respect** to Mr. Justin Timberlake, I feel compelled to challenge whether sexy ever left us. Everywhere I go, I keep hearing everyone protesting that they are, in fact, the one's responsible for bringing sexy back. After returning from shopping for my new wardrobe, my new pageboy Amos reported that several people in Banana Republic trying on pleated khakis were also "bringing sexy back."

Take it to the chorus!

C'mon people, nothing from Banana Republic is sexy.
Also this week, I was in a bar and saw two girls stand up saying, "come on, let's go bring sexy back" while heading to the dancefloor.
Even that Adam kid from Moron 5 (intended spelling) claimed that his new album was going to be "taking sexy back!"
Wait.... wait... wait. Sexy not only left and then came back, but it is also being fought over by Timberlake and Levine?
No, no, no, no, no.
This all stops now.
And I'm tired of hearing clubbers, bubble-gummers and pelvic-gyrating ravers claim to be the sole benefactor in the campaign to thrust sexy back upon us.

Take it to the bridge!

I don't know where the idea came that someone needed to bring sexy back, but shouldn't we focus on the idea that it was always around? I mean, is Timberlake claiming that Sexy missed out on the 90's? How long has Sexy been gone and are we to assume that JT has never once called Cameron Diaz sexy?
Come to think of it, was Cameron Diaz away for a period of time? Follow up question: is she now back?
Also - and I think we can all agree on this - if sexy was to take a human form, Timberlake or not, Sexy would be in the form of a woman.

Take it to the bridge!

I've been keepin' tabs on sexy for quite some time, I never let it get more than about a block away from me. Sexy always takes the North 86 bus to Addison during the week and frequents the gym on Saturday afternoons. Sexy is a Miami Heat fan and hopes to one day create a seascape using oil paints . Sexy can't wait for the new season of My Name Is Earl on NBC Thursdays and hates Fergie's new album.
Trust me, I know all about Sexy. Sexy won't get too far away. Timberlake and all you party people can relax, Sexy's around.
Whatever it is that you're doing, it's not bringing Sexy back but it might be giving Sexy a reason to go 'head be gone.

Take it to the chorus!

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* I enjoy The Peas, but man, her solo album is bad. Also, have you ever noticed how much Fergie looks like Kirstie Alley?

** Have you ever noticed that when someone preceeds a statement with "all due respect", they are more than likely going to say something disrespectful? If someone comes at you with "all due respect" it's probably not going to end well. For some reason, leading dialogues with "all due respect" gives the speaker sudden carte-blanche to say whatever they'd like. The beauty of "with all due respect" is that this statement, in no way, suggests that any respect is due at all. For all you know, no respect is due to you and so now it's time to take some shit.