Ashlee Lavigne

Okay, so help me out.

Does Ashlee Simpson have black hair or red? Because I was under the impression she had red hair and ran around with sk8ter punks. But then, I was informed over and over and over again that the sk8ter girl was some Canadian chick. So I looked her up to try and figure out who she was and found out she just released some song about stealing some girl's boyfriend.

But then, that's confusing because she had blonde hair and I wasn't aware blonde hair was an option between these two and I thought the song was about how the singer didn't steal some girl's boyfriend.

Does anyone else find this trend somewhat scary? Maybe I should backtrack and ask whether anyone but me - a 26-year-old graduate student - is even paying attention to either of these girls? It's an honest question and one that warrants serious consideration...

...just not be me.

April Lavigne's record label shockingly misspelled her name as "Avril", which is French for April. Apparently April is from deep Canada where they misspell names in French. Not like Windsor, Canada, which is right next to Detroit... where nuthin' gets spellt right.

Anyway, I think April did, at one point, have red hair. But not now. Now she's blonde. But she's still Canadian. Apparently, there are just some things even record companies can't hide.

Hook noses ain't one of the things record companies can hide either because Ashley,* who apparently has a famous blonde sister, recently sandpapered that sucker down to an angular rock-nub and made her lips puffy. My understanding of the junior Simpson is that she set out to make her mark on the world by being an individual, by stepping outside the norms of social stratas and pop music sensibilities.

This is her explanation for having black hair, wearing ripped pantyhose and a necktie around her band t-shirt...

...Or was that the red headed Canadian? Wait. Which one shot the video jumping up and down on top of a vehicle in public? Oh. They both shot that video, huh? And here I thought their similarities ended at April fitting la-la's into the chorus of "Complicated" while Ashley ingeniously fit la-la's into the chorus of "La La".

I sure do hope these girls are buddies, because these two needles in haystacks have so much in common. Who knew such industry revolutionaries would find their way into the public eye at the exact same moment in time?

This is like the time The Beatles went to Graceland.

But this hair thing, it's confusing. They're both blonde now? Why would two punk-poppers want to go beach bunny on their fans? Surely, there's more to it than the adage about sex selling.

I think to truly understand why one is denying stealing your boyfriend and the other is adamantly attempting to steal your boyfriend, we need to travel back to their childhoods.

Let's look back on 2004.

...Aw forget it. Nostalgia is never accurate. I'm sitting here watching Fergie's new video for "Glamorous" where she pretends that she still zips through Taco Bell drive thrus (in limos no less), like she did in 1994 before she assisted the Black Eyed Peas in selling their souls to the Devil.

I just can't keep up this charade.

I just can't be like Fergie anymore.

Look, I'm not a revisionist, okay? The Beatles and the Byrds existed at the same time. The Beach Boys and Jan & Dean recorded songs together and most people think Bruce Springsteen wrote "R.O.C.K. in the USA." Popular music has been doing all it could to capitalize on something that works for decades.

But what exactly works for these two girls?

I'm asking honestly because, if you haven't guessed by now, both "Girlfriend" and "Boyfriend" have made it onto my regular iPod rotation.

Is it the power chords? Is it April's high-socks or Ashley's hot, hot sister? What is it?

I dislike Candians almost as much as I dislike Texans.**

The Texan looks like any other girl on television these days. Straight nose, puffy nightcrawler lips, shiny blonde hair with the (sneaky) desire to steal your boyfriend. What did you do to Ashley to make her want your boyfriend so bad? She clearly has anger issues and those issues are manifesting into a controlling battle for male companionship.

So that's the Southern fried version of punky power.

The Canuck version consists of basically the same shiny blonde hair, only now with a few streaks of pink, and a less subtle attempt to take your boyfriend away from you. This strategem includes giving you whiplash at the go-kart track, tossing you in the mini-golf lagoon and causing you to tumble in the arcade Port-O-Let.

Now, I'm not sure why these girls hate you so much, but I'm questioning why these ex-boyfriends of yours feel it's perfectly safe to hang around crazy Southerners and Northerners.

Why aren't these boys interested in getting stolen by someone sweet, rather than salty H8er Grrrls (do you like that? I just made that up). These boys should bring home the pop princess that thinks you're beautiful? Y'know the one that says you're beautiful and your face was seen in a crowded place. The one with angels on a subway and stuff...

That was who? Who's Bl...? James Blunt? Who's that?

That was a man singing that song?

James Blunt is a man?

I give up.

Listen to what you want, I don't care.

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* She also misspelled her name. She added a superfluous "e" instead of a "y". Seriously, wasn't anyone spell checking this stuff?

** Sorry Mandy. You know you don't count.