I should clarify that when I say "good Catholic friend," I mean that she is both religiously active in her Catholicism and a longtime friend of mine (and, a longtime friend of Catholicism too, I suppose). Most of my friends are Catholic, I've never dated a girl who was not Catholic and any religious debates I find myself tangled in, are often doctrine vs. faith arguments with Catholics. I'm unsure the point of this paragraph, but whatever it is, it is probably what also propels me to list all the fruits and vegetables I eat when I'm discussing food with vegetarians.
I rarely agree with anything this particular Catholic friend of mine has to say, as it is not often rooted in rationality. I've been disagreeing with her for nearly a decade now and I can no longer decide if it's because we're so supremely opposite, or if because I get a kick out of bugging her with my devil's advocacy.* Several months ago, we got into a shouting match over Evangeline Lilly's character on the ABC television program "Lost." The strange thing is that we never argue over war, politics, art or even religion, we argue about which girls are desirable,** which movies suck the least and the general merits of television characters. This is usually enough to frenzy us into shouting matches... mostly just me.
* FACT 1: All Catholics hate devil advocacy.
** FACT 2: We both watch 'The Office' and she hates Karen and can't imagine why any guy would go for her over Pam. And while I love Pam, the idea that going for Karen is a huge mistake, seems overly biased and wrong-headed. She also says Jim isn't all that adorable…
FACT 3: All Catholics hate Jim from 'The Office'
Some nights ago we started talking about "The Da Vinci Code," a film in which I was deeply disappointed (mostly because of Tom Hanks' hairdo). While we agreed that neither the film nor the book are the brilliant masterworks their popularity suggest they should be, we nevertheless managed to find something to bicker incessantly about anyway.
She said that finding a direct bloodline to Jesus Christ would, if it happened in real life, be the most staggering discovery in the history of the world.
And those of you keeping score probably already foresee this as the part where I respectfully (and loudly) disagreed.***
*** Had I known asking her what she thought about "The Da Vinci Code" would lead the following conversation, I would not have asked. I swear to God, I woulda just left it alone. But you can't disagree with Catholics about the importance of Jesus. It's just not smart. They hate that. They all hate that.
FACT 4: All Catholics hate being generalized as one lump mass.
I'm not going to argue that definitive proof that Jesus has heirs wouldn't make the front section of your local newspaper, but it isn't the biggest possible story of the millennium.
She challenged me by asking what would be.
I thought for a moment about the question. Aliens immediately came to mind, but people from far and wide wouldn't line up to find solace in aliens. More than likely, we'd try to kill any alien life forms before we'd seek answers from them.
Who would be comparable to the mythical figure of Jesus Christ? Who else is known by everyone within the confines of large religious sects as a savior, healer and messenger of goodness?
And then it hit me…
Santa Claus.
If Earth found out tomorrow that Jesus Christ had a living bloodline and that Santa Claus as he is known today, exists, we as a mass would be infinitely more effected by Santa Claus. ****
**** FACT 5: Catholics love Santa, but not quite as much as Jesus. There's nothing wrong with this, but it does lead to fewer presents under the tree.
V.S. 
Think about it.
Jesus was a carpenter in Israel. No one denies that. Even the crazed marauders trying to convince the rest of us that the Holocaust never happened, admit that some dude named Jeshua existed. The details on how he existed and why he existed are still being hashed out among varying religions, but hey, we can all agree he was walking around for 33 years, right? Just finding his bloodline tells us little more than that he wasn't as pious as the Good Book says he was. Frankly, that goes farther in disproving his holiness than if there was no bloodline to be had. And yeah, there was a Saint Nicholas too (although some say Santa Claus is actually based on a Turkish bishop born in the third century who was never actually canonized), but no one assumed that old Kris Kringle flew around with deer, while going on massive breaking & entering sprees once a year.
So what we're comparing here is a bloodline to the person many consider to be the son of God***** or the existence of a man who lives amongst tiny people and has the ability to shape-shift, stunt the space time continuum and fly.
***** According to the Encarta Encyclopedia, the nickname Kris Kringle evolved from the German words for Christ child, Christkindl.
FACT 6: The Germans play by their own rules.
Are we still arguing about this? No question. The existence of Santa Claus would prove that time can be altered and physics would no longer be a required high school course. It would be a novelty for the overachievers, like those kids who take Latin as their language instead of Spanish.
Honestly, would it be more important to know whether Jeshua of Nazareth had sex or that Sinterklaas knows the secret to everlasting life?
I'll put it to you this way, we all know someone who has had sex. How many of you know someone who is never going to die?
For the record, I totally won the argument. By the time we parted ways, she was crying her eyes, bawling like a small baby. It was embarrassing. I think she's a Hari Christna now.
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