Feeling Bulletproof

No one should be completely invulnerable. Several days ago, I sat on my bamboo throne being fed peeled grapes by two beautiful women both resembling Catherine Zeta-Jones and realized at that moment that I was unequivocally bulletproof, nothing could touch me.
No one could justify looking me in the eye.
But what fun is that?

So for those of you who've ever wanted to get me in your crosshairs and take me out, I bestow upon you...

The 10 Most Personally Embarrassing Musical Concessions

10. Neil Diamond
I can't even really explain this one. I'm not usually pro-sequined jackets, balding feathered hair or mellowdramatic anthems, but when that overblown crooner begs me to dry my eye, I have no choice but to comply with his commands.
Honestly, I'm worried that I'm gay for Neil Diamond.
Crap. What if Neil Diamond's "got the way to soothe me"...
Or... what if Cracklin' Neil's "got the way to make me happy"?
What was up with all of Neil Diamond's best lyrics involving someone having "the way"?


09. Sassy Girl-Pop.
So just last week I figured out what Fergie's "London Bridge" was. At the risk of my mom or my sister reading this blog, I will not describe what Fergie's "London Bridge" pertains to, but suffice it to say, it's worse than I originally thought.
That being said, I find myself kinda hoping it comes on the radio or plays inside the roller rink I've been frequenting lately.
Why?
Because it's sassy.
I love strong girls acting like men are completely useless to them. Good for Gwen for not hollering back at fellas not deserving of being hollered back at. And good for P!nk for angrily replacing the "i" in her anme with an exclamation mark.
It should be noted that Gwen and P!ink are both married, but that doesn't stop the gloriously erotic theater of headstrong singers.
08. Really sad sappy acoustic love songs.
If most American girls or my friend Chris Gerfin instilled musical talent into John Cusack and asked him to write an album full of songs, I'm sure Cuscak would make a wonderful album.
I imagine he might compare his girlfriend's body to a wonderland or perhaps wax pitiful on how he was having a bad day and how the camera don't lie.
I have a friend named Rickie.* S he's got pirate tattoos fighting for space with the scabs all over her body. She also seems to barf a lot. Anyway, she thinks she's wicked mean and tough, but she also really loves Barry Manilow songs and anything sappy and gay.
I never gave her as much grief for this characteristic as I did for all her other strange peccadillos because I kinda agreed with her leanings.

07. Americana.
I love songs about going to the movies with a girl on your arm. I love songs about apple trees and baseball. I love songs that take place on railroad tracks, farms, drive-ins and dive-bars. That's Americana.
I want to make very clear that when I talk about my soft spot for Americana, I am not including Tobey Keith's ignorant ass in this discussion. Tobey Keith and his songs about sticking a cowboy boot in the ass of the jihad is not what I mean when I talk about Americana.
Oh, and also, John Mellencamp has recently been put on the probation in the Americana club for wrecklessly cooperating with the Ford motor Company's newest POPaganda campaign to co-opt images of Katrina victims, the Vietnam War, factory workers and old Cougar himself sittin' in his pickup.
God, is there any way Tobey and Cougar could just make a porno lying on a bed with American flag sheets, and be done with it?

Anyway, huzzah to apple pies and grandmas.

06. Pro Women Anthems.
I love men as much as the next guy. Well, maybe not the next guy. The next guy might be a homosexual guy and he probably loves men more than me. I bet it's safe to say that I love men as much as the next heterosexual guy, but they just don't celebrate their gender as well as the women do.
Whether it be "Hollaback Girl", X-Tina's "Calling All Girls" anthem, "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" or "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman", there are just too many great lady songs to ignore.
The problem is, when I sing these songs out loud, I get worried looks from the people around me.
Especially when I do it on he train, or naked standing from the balcony of my terrace.

05. Songs About High School.
I'm not over it.
There. I said it. I'm not over high school. I wish I were still there. I wish I remembered the combination to my locker and pined after the same enchanting girl without ever talking to her for four friggin' years. I wish I had a bad haircut and baggy jeans. I wish I had a bookbag that held like, nine textbooks in it and I wish I still had Huskie Pride. I wish my Hawaiian shirts still fit and my car was still owned by mom.
And you know who feels my pain?
Blink 182 feels my pain. You know who else? Good Charlotte and The All-American Rejects and Simple Plan, you jerks! Why don't you just leave us alone so we can go back to a time where the nectar was sweet.

I would also like to mention "College Jamz" as an add-on to my guilty pleasure about high school. For some reason, I hate college favorites like Dave Matthews and Dashboard Confessional, but Blink 182 and The Wallflowers are perfectly acceptable. Go figure.

04. Shakira.
Also Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson and perhaps Rihanna.

Leave me alone.

03. Songs With the Name of My City or State In It.
Why is it when you're at a live concert and in the middle of a set the lead singer says "Hello [the name of your city]!" and the place goes apeshit? Everyone is guilty of it. I am so guilty of it that the bands no longer even have to step foot in my city, they just have to mention it.
Here's a quick list of the three places nearest to my heart:

Chicago.
"Sweet Home Chicago", "Chicago Slow Down", "Born In Chicago" by George Thorogood, "Chicago" (Frank Sinatra and the musical), "The Night Chicago Died", "Dear Chicago" by Ryan Adams, "She Was Hot" (The Rolling Stones mention Chicago), "South Bay Surfer" by The Beach Boys (they ask if we can hear the surfers in Chicago)...
Baltimore.
"Baltimore" by The Drifters, "Hungry Heart" (Bruce had a wife and kid in Baltimore, Jack), "Raining In Baltimore" by The Counting Crows, "Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Change In My Hands" (a plane takes off from Baltimore and touches down on Bourbon Street), " Bright Future In Sales" by Fountains of Wayne.
Boston.
"Dirty Water" by The Standells, "Road Runner" by The Modern Lovers, "Back To Boston" by The Rosebuds, "Tessie" by The Dropkick Murphys who also did "Shipping Up To Boston", "More Than A Feeling", Smokin'", and "Don't Look Back" (all three by the band Boston), "Somerville" by The Pernice Brothers, and "Government Center". "Charlie On the MTA" by The Kingston Trio (thanks Liz).

Alright, you get the picture. I like my cities. Can you think of any from these three cities I've missed? I know there's many.

02. Musical Theater.
Pop. Six. Squish. Cicero. Lipshitz.
525,600 minutes.
I got... pshhh! Steamed heat.
TRADITION!
Into the woods... to grandmother's house!
Greased Lightenin'! Go Greased Lightenin'!

Look, you either know what these statements mean, or you don't. If you do, then I should have no difficulty explaining why I enjoy it all so. If you see the above lyrics as mere gibberish, then I'm fairly certain you'd make fun of me for liking it.
But I'm prepared to kill you for my freedom to enjoy musical theater. Do you hear me? I'll cut your heart out of your chest and dance like Twila Tharp all over it. I'm serious. You see how high I've ranked this concession?
Don't challenge me.

01. Screamo.
I've talked about "screamo" with some friends. Apparently, "Screamo" isn't what I originally thought it was. I thought it was emo songs with yelling (screaming) in it. Like, Jimmy Eat World is emo or pop or crap or whatever you wanna call it, but their song "Sweetness" has a lot of wild screaming in it. Same thing with Fallout Boy's "Of All the Gin Joints". These are emo-ish bands that scream.
"Screamo." Get it?
But that's not what "Screamo" is. Apparently "Screamo" is much harder and darker than Blink 182. So I shouldn't really be ranking "screamo" at #1 'cause I don't really like what "screamo" actually is. But I need to dub my yelling-emo something and now "screamo" is already taken.
"Yello"? No, that's a color.
"Blare-o"? Nah.
"Eem-scream"? How 'bout Eem-scream? "Eem" (like the beginning of "emo", and "scream"... 'cause that's what happens in these songs). Okay. Eemscream it is.
I totally (and guiltily) love EemScream.

Okay. End of list. My God, am I vulnerable. I feel so exposed and weak. I'm gonna need a little alone time now.

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* Rickie is a "she" (short for Erica) and I haven't talked to her in months. Does that still constitute friendship? I'm just trying to figure out if I had a friend Rickie who... or if I have a friend Rickie who...