The Gyllenhaals

Okay, okay. That's it. That is IT. Honestly, no more.

This is me waving the white flag.

This is me dropping to my knees and giving up.

We get it Mr. and Mrs. Gyllenhaal, okay? Back off. Your genes are awesome. It's unfair and dangerous and you two should be very proud.

God, what must holiday homecomings in the Gyllenhaal household be like? First of all, I imagine a dining room full of mirrors. You just know these beautiful Goddamned people cover their world in reflective surfaces. I also imagine constant one-upsmanship.

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Mama Gyllenhaal: Jakey-poo, did you see how good Mags' is in her role in the new Dustin Hoffman movie? You were simply delightful, weren't you, Mags?
Jake: Ma, "Stranger Than Fiction" is a Will Ferrell movie.
Mama Gyllenhaal: Well, I don't know about that, but Mr. Hoffman was certainly in the film. Wasn't he, Mags?
Maggie: I wish you wouldn't call me "Mags," Ma.
Jake: Remember when I kissed Heath last year, Ma. Pret-ty daring, huh?
Papa Gyllenhaal: I didn't care for that, Jake. You had a fine mustache though.
Jake: Yeah, but I got nominated for an Academy Awar--
Mama Gyllenhaal: Oh hush, Jakey. You had your moment. Maggie's doing just as well as you.
Jake: She wouldn't have a career if it wasn't for "Donnie Darko."
Maggie: Shut up, dingus! Least I wasn't in "Bubble Boy!" Loser.
Jake: Yeah?! Well, I'd rather be in 'Bubble Boy' than gettin' butt-slapped and handcuffed by James Spader!
Papa Gyllenhaal: I didn't care for that either, Maggie.
Mama Gyllenhaal: Why don't we ever have a nice Thanksgiving? You're both so pretty and perfect and talented and beautiful. If you don't believe me, just look in the mirror, or your plates, or in the mirrored water glasses we have, or the mirrored table cloth.
Maggie: I'm sorry, ma. It's not my fault that while I'm doing serious work with Oliver Stone, people still confuse Jake with Tobey Maguire!
Papa Gyllenhaal: I don't care for Oliver Stone, come to think of it.
Jake: Oh, excuse me, sis. Not everyone can be so blessed as to make "Mona Lisa Smile."
Mama Gyllenhaal: Alright you two, that's enough. I won't have you two come into my $4 billion mansion bickering and mussing your beautiful brunette locks. Now just eat your incredibly fancy seafood meal in peace. Beautifully, jealousy-inducing, freakish gene-pool peace.
Papa Gyllenhaal: Naomi, should we try to make some more beautiful Gyllenhaals tonight?
Mama Gyllenhaal: I don't see why not. We seem only to pop out impossibly attractive multi-millionaire entertainers. Couldn't hurt.
Maggie: Aw gross, Mom.
Jake: Heath hasn't called me in like, five months...

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This blog is dedicated to the gene pool of both Stephen and Naomi Gyllenhaal. Thanks for mating and making the world a much more envious place.